Update

I've been working really hard on getting better the last month and controlling my anxiety.

First, we finally moved Zora out of our room and into a room with Rex.  He sleeps like a rock and I sleep better when I can't hear her every movement.  I've also started making her take 3 naps instead of 2 and she's finally sleeping more than 2 hours at night.  I also take a nap every day.  Other moms read or look at their phones or do whatever else they need in the in middle of the day to regroup.  I sleep.  If I try any of that other stuff, my kids still bug me.  But if I'm asleep, or pretending to be asleep, they seem to understand better not to bug mom.

But even with more sleep, my anxiety sky rockets as the sun sets.  The walls of the house slowly close in on me.  Mostly I think I work myself up over how many times Zora will be up at night.  So one of my old young women and I tell each other two good things that happened each day to each other.  It's actually helping quite a bit.  So that as the walls are closing in, I push them back out with little bits of gratitude for my day.  Because really, I have a pretty cushy life.  My children are generally well-behaved.  Greg works from home so he actually helps out with them a lot, especially in the afternoons when he forces them to play with him (yes, force.  How many kids do you know who complain about their dad wanting to spend too much time with them?  My little ingrates do.)  It's a funny thing that Anxiety and Depression do, they let you window shop at how good your life is but don't let you touch, they make sure that window stays there and then make you feel guilty that you just can't reach the near-perfection that is your life.  They really are mean little suckers.

Here are some of the good things that have happened:

During Christmas Break I took the kids to QT and then to Wal Mart to spend their Christmas money.  I had to consciously tell myself to stay calm and let the kids enjoy their shopping.  And we did.  Then we came home and played with more new toys.  Though I did get in trouble for taking the kids to QT.  Apparently Greg wanted to do that.  Oops.  But he was off hunting or something like that, so it's not like he was slaving about while we partied.

 We also went to Defy Gravity with the Baker cousins one day.

 Rex fell and hit his jaw on his knee and cut his tongue with his teeth.  My brother in the law, the doctor, told us to skip the ER and Urgent Care because they would just refer us to an oral surgeon, so I called our dentist for a recommendation and it turns out she's an oral surgeon.  Well that worked out well.  Rex was super nervous to get the stitches but a little laughing gas and some lies about what the dentist was actually doing and he did great.  He got 5 stitches in his tongue.  So that was a good thing--the dentist was nicer and cheaper than the ER.

 Rex is also really into baking lately and I enjoy watching him.  Although he does get a little territorial over the kitchen and won't let the other kids in because he wants to do it all by himself.

 Henry is still a major menace, but something about his destructive behavior just melts my heart.  He is so naughty, but I just love him the more for it.  Probably because everyone else just yells at him and I feel so bad for him.  He just has low impulse control.

 Aside from Zora not sleeping, the thing that causes the most anxiety is my kids being bored.  I worry about it constantly--what are we going to do today?  what are we going to do after dinner?  why can't my kids just play quietly like other people's kids?  I know I shouldn't worry about it and just let them play.  But my kids don't.  They just jump on the couch and then I worry about my kids and their bad manners that they think they can just jump on the couch and then that they don't listen to me when I tell them to stop.  As I'm typing this I can hear all the older moms say, "It doesn't really matter" or "This too shall pass"  and I try to tell myself that, but in the moment, at the time, it just stresses me out, which is why we need  playroom where I can't see what they're doing and they can just have fun.

 One day they all put on their aprons that Alice made for them and worked together to make cookies.  It was sweet.

 Zora thought her first sink bath was pretty fun. If my sink weren't always full of dishes I'd let her do it more.

 Alice really wants it to be her birthday day so she insisted that we have a bathroom photo shoot.  She struggles with being younger and shorter than all the other kids in her Primary class.

 This week started off with cancelled basketball on Saturday, followed by cancelled church on Sunday, and no school on Monday or Tuesday due to snow and ice, which wasn't as magical as it usually is because Anxiety was worried too much about how to entertain the children for so long.  I know I'm not supposed to be the entertainer-in-chief at my house, but Anxiety just can't let it go.  The children must be 100% entertained at all times or they just get naughty and whiny and are wasting their lives away and they will die.  Anxiety is so irrational sometimes.

 We ended the week with a few 70 degree days so I put chores aside and played outside with Greg and Zora while my kids whined about it being too hot and went inside.  The sunshine and physical activity destroyed Anxiety those days.

Most days I feel pretty good.  I talk myself out of a lot of things and remind myself that dishes don't always have to be done, and kids don't always have to be entertained, and that reading with my kids cuddled up on the couch is one of my favorite things, and I've started asking Greg to put Zora to bed more often and I feel good most days.  The dark is still not my favorite and I still wish we had a playroom for the kids, but I have at least 2 good things happen to me every day and I tell my young woman that and she tells me hers.  And I'm thankful for that.