Mountain Biking Widows

A few weeks ago, Greg some how talked me into driving 2 hours by myself into the mountains to meet him to go hiking with him after a day of mountain biking.  Now, I hate driving.  Anything over 1 hour that I will have to return on the same day is just...I wish I knew how to insert the steaming red-face emoji with smoke coming out of its nose.  I just don't like it.  And I couldn't find the restaurant where I was supposed to meet Greg.  And then the amazing sandwich we had gone for was only mediocre.  I couldn't even finish it.  And then Greg said he wanted to go do more mountain biking with the other guys while the girls took all the kids on a hike.  I was not happy.  But I put on my good wife cap and let him do his dumb ride while we went hiking.  And it didn't turn out that bad.  I have the best friends and any time spent with them is fun and a blessing (yes, sappy I know, but you don't understand the pit of despair these ladies pulled me out of).  Once we got hiking, I enjoyed myself. The company.  The weather. The view.  The physical movement (though I was sore the next day from carrying Zora and Henry up some pretty steep hills). But next time, I'd like to a.) go somewhere closer, b.) stay over night or c.) go somewhere with fewer deathtraps/waterfalls.  It was a little crazy with 11 kids, the oldest being 7.  I did make Greg drive home.  It took us 3 hours to get home.

A Post About Prayer

Honesty Hour: My mom is a liar.  She said with her mouth that raising children is difficult but even when we were all little and my dad was working in San Jose while we were still living in Rialto, she made it look easy.  Let me hand make all the Halloween costumes and Christmas dresses and Christmas jammies for five children, every year.  Raising children seems so effortless for her that I thought it was.  And, let's be honest, three children is pretty easy.  Even when we had three kids I thought it was pretty easy.  But four is a different story.  Four is hard.

I have felt like I'm walking through molasses; like I have rocks on my shoulders; like my head is full of cotton; like I will never get anything done or never get enough done; like the walls of my house are closer in on me; like the dark is taking over; like all I want to do is sleep; like my life will never get any better because once my kids are out of the kid stage, they become teenagers and by all accounts that's worse than now.  You've guessed it.  I have a bit of postpartum depression.  It's a bit late setting here, but here it is.  The main culprit: lack of sleep.  While I go to bed between 9:30 and 10 every night, I sleep in 15-20 minute segments, sometimes, if I'm lucky, up to 45 minutes.  Zora is a terrible sleeper.  Really terrible.

So last night, as I'm rocking Zora to sleep at 2:30 am, after she'd woken up at 1 am, and am having sleep-deprived hallucinations of the kids putting plastic bags over Zora's face, I decided it was time to pray.  So I did.  I asked Heavenly Father to help Zora sleep.  And you know what.  He did.  Not right away but He did.  I finally got her back to sleep at 3:30 and she didn't wake up until I woke her up at 8:30 to go to church.  I had to get up at 7 (after hitting the alarm a few times), but that's still 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep!  I woke up happy.  My head was clear.  The cloud was gone.  Today was a good day.  

This wasn't the first time this has happened.  (Well Zora sleeping yes, but answers to prayers no).  I've had to pray every day for energy and motivation to get through the day.  And every day I remember to pray, Heavenly Father blesses me with energy and motivation and insight on how to change so my days are less chaotic--until about 6 and the sun sets and the walls start closing in again.

Today's revelation: I need to not be doing stuff all the time.  When I would usually start telling the kids to get ready for bed, I sat on the couch and nursed Zora while watching the other kids play.  And I let my shoulders relax and enjoyed watching them play.  And it felt good to sit and enjoy and not get things done.  And guess what?  The dishes still got done and the house still got cleaned up.  And now I'm posting to my blog.  Life did not end because I enjoyed it for a while.

New goals for this week: get out more and spend more time with my friends.  The more I've felt my house closing in on me, the less willing I've been to leave it.  But the Spirit gently reminded me this week, that I feel better when I get out more.  So that's the goal for this week--stop stressing about the train wreck that is taking 3 kids anywhere and just get out.

I also took a 2 hour nap after church today.  I'm feeling pretty good.

Advent

Do you remember way back in the day when I first started this blog in 2010 and I had the time and energy to do a post for every Advent activity?  I barely remember it too.  I do remember being bored out of my mind with just one kid at home and my aunts and older cousins telling me to enjoy it.  I haven't been bored in years.  Except while playing cars.  I hate playing cars.  I will play anything except cars.

Alas, back to Advent.  We are once again doing Advent.  But this year is different.  We having to do most of our activities in the afternoon or cut them short so we can get the kids in bed for school or run off to this practice or that.  I wonder how many more years we can keep this up.  I am not looking forward to the super busy teenage years.

The first day of Advent, the kids got Christmas jammies and our new Christmas book, Cajun Night Before Christmas, which Dad has been wanting for years.

 We made our annual visit to the Speedway Lights.  The light show as super fun but it was also super cold.  Zora was not impressed with her Ralphie outfit but at least she was warm.  Henry just cried because he refused to wear a coat.

 We made salt dough ornaments one day, which I then burnt while trying to make them quickly dry out and painted them the next day.  I think they turned out cute.

 For Family Night, we've been studying all the different people who recognized the Christ-child and talking about how we can recognize Jesus in our lives.  One night we used the Fisher-Price Nativity to act out the story.

 We made snowman pizzas for dinner on Thursday.

And now we're down to a week until Christmas and all the gifts are wrapped and ready to go.  Except Greg's.  I still have to make his.  I think I turn it into an advent activity and have the kids help me.

Thanksgiving(s)

I feel the need to mention, however briefly, that my new favorite holiday is Friendsgiving.  It's like Thanksgiving only we celebrate the Saturday before Thanksgiving and it's with friends not family.  Not that I don't like family, because you know I do, but my friends here have become another family for me.  I refer to them as frousins (friends+cousins) in my head because that's what it feels like when I'm with them.  I didn't take any actual pictures of the event because it's kind of a hush-hush thing since we don't want people who weren't invited to feel bad, but at some point you just have to stop inviting people because Becky's house is only so big.  Anyway, the food was amazing, the company was spectacular and Friendsgiving has overtaken Halloween as my favorite holiday, by far.

For actual Thanksgiving, we went to Kentucky to visit Greg's grandma.  Greg's brother, wife and daughter were staying at Nana's so we got a hotel, and I'm really glad we did.  The first few days we were there, I'll be honest, I wondered why we had bothered going.  We're like a traveling circus and we're a lot for an 80-something year-old grandmother to handle.  Nana went to bed at 7 on Thanksgiving we had so worn her out.  I went back to the hotel ready to pack and leave.  We were just too much.  Someone should put us in the zoo.

Friday we decided to give Nana a break from us and went to to state park near by.  We went to a nature center and a bison/elk drive through thing.  We had also planned to hike but it was just too cold.  We also hit up a Christmas village and Cracker Barrel.  We stopped by Nana's that night to say hi but left before wearing her out.

Saturday was the most fun.  We spent the day at Greg's aunt's house and she had her five grandchildren over too (ages 6, 5, 2, 2, and 2 weeks--perfect for our circus).  The kids took right to each other and spent the day running around outside, jumping on the trampoline, riding around on the Gator, playing in the toy room, and just doing what cousins do.  It was pretty magical.  Nana was there too so we got to visit with her without wearing her out and destroying her house.

Sunday we ate a big breakfast at Nana's before heading home.  The drive there we made with only 2 stops but Zora was having none of that on the way home. We had to stop 4 or 5 times.  We didn't get home until 8 or 9.  I ended up letting Rex sleep in on Monday and taking him to school late.  (I'm at that point in the school year where I don't really care--I don't have how I'm going to get through high school 4 more times, it was hard enough the first time.)

In the end, I'm glad we went.  First, staying five days in a hotel was really nice.  We got two rooms so I just had Rex and Zora with me in one room and I had to go to bed with them around 9 every night since the internet at the hotel sucked and I had to turn the lights off for them to sleep. Getting that much sleep is just magical.  I also didn't have to make beds, do dishes, or laundry for five days and I didn't have that voice in the back of my head reminding me that the kids are still at home making a mess, because they weren't, they were with me destroying Nana's house.  It was lovely.  Second, I really like Greg's family and it was nice to finally get to spend some time with his cousins and get to know them a bit.  Three, the kids had fun with their cousins.  I have so many fond memories of playing with all my cousins growing up, I'd be so sad if my kids didn't have the same.

Princeton didn't have a 5K Turkey Trot so I just ran on my own.  I won.

Playing cards Thanksgiving night.

Oh look, Henry getting into something he shouldn't.

Henry made fast friend's with his cousin Case, who is also a rough and tumble boy.

Chilling in the hotel

Feeding turkey's at the nature center

Zora checking out the bison.

More bison

at the Christmas village

Bed jumping.

On Saturday the kids wanted to just run around, so we took them to an awesome park in downtown Princeton

All the 2-year-old cousins going for a Gator ride

Greg's aunt and uncle live on 160 acre farm--like a real farm.  Pretty crazy. And beautiful.  Every time we visit Princeton, I just want to move there.  And then I remember they don't have a Target and get over that one real quick.

Rex and Kenday played all day.

Zora's Tummy Troubles

Thursday night Zora woke up grunting, groaning, red-faced and screaming.  I attempted to comfort her but comfort was not to be had, so I packed her and drove to the grocery store for some pear juice and prune juice only to realize half way there that I was in my Spandex and slippers.  I didn't go home.  The people had at the grocery story could just deal with it.  

After some pear juice, Zora enjoyed her first bath in the big bath.

I, in my sleep-deprived, semi-conscious mostly delusion state contemplated my life choices.

First, I was having an experience similar to what the don't-take-drugs videos say taking drugs is like, just much less fun.  Because if taking drugs is like being sleep deprived, why would anyone do drugs more than once?

Second, kids are the worst.  Why?  Why are kids so bad?  Since we're commanded to have children, I would think that Heavenly Father would make children less terrible.  I would be richer, sleep more, clean less, and not wake up with a back ache every morning from whatever child not-so-quietly snuck into my bed during the night if I didn't have children.  Then I thought maybe there's something about the dissociative state of little sleep that allows the Spirit to speak to us and teach us things in way he can't when we are fully rested.  And then I had a really lovely thought about children and how adorable they are, but I don't remember what it was.  Lack of sleep will do that to you.  In fact lack of sleep is making stringing together a coherent sentence right now, let alone an entire blog post, that was originally intended to be insightful and philosophical about the relationship between parents and children and us and our Heavenly Father, a bit difficult.

I eventually convinced Zora to go back to sleep before finishing the dishes and folding a few loads of laundry.

On the bright side, I got a new book about how to help babies sleep better without having to cry it out and I'm seeing a chiropractor tomorrow.  

But I couldn't concentrate on doing dishes tonight so I also have that to look forward to in the morning.

Zora enjoying her late-night bath

Zora learned  a new trick this week (sitting up on her own)

Zora enjoyed reading some books while I got ready one morning.

She also enjoys her toe.

Zora enjoyed some carrots and apple sauce until they blocked her so we're back to just milk for a few days

Zora helped me do some yard work in her hoodie-onesie.  I want one.

Warning This Gets Political

America and I broke up this week.

I fell asleep on the couch Tuesday night watching election results come in and the chances of a Hillary victory slip away.  Greg woke me up at 11:30 and I moved to my bed.  I checked the electoral tally one more time and comforted myself by saying it was in God's hands.  And then I had the horrible realization that maybe it wasn't.  Maybe God has washed his hands of us and is letting us reap the benefits of our wickedness.  Trump is the epitome of moral-less, selfishness, shallow pride.  I fell asleep again praying that if nothing else Heavenly Father would protect my children from the hate slowly taking over the country.

Wednesday morning Rex missed the bus because we couldn't fathom a Trump win.  Walking to the car in the bright morning sun and driving to school felt strange and normal.  Nothing should fell normal anymore.  Some how the impossible had happened and Donald Trump, the one we had laughed at when he announced his candidacy, had beaten Hillary Clinton.  I think I was expecting bombs to start falling.  I joked to a friend that this was the first of the seven trumps before the Second Coming, but I don't know how much I was actually joking.

I was confused because life kept going.  People posted about their cute kids and their #ootd on Instagram as if our world hadn't just ended.  All I wanted to hear about was the election and yet every time I turned on the news I wanted to throw up.

Wednesday afternoon I sat in the driveway holding Zora and watching the kids of the Compound run around in the slanted fall sunlight as if nothing had changed.  But the pit in my stomach knew better.  I told Greg I felt like I did on 9/11.  That there was a before 9/11 and a now.  There was a before Trump and a now, but I don't know what that now looks like and what freedoms Trumps supporters have lost for me.

That night I turned on NPR and heard the voice of Robert Seagull affirm that Trump had won the election.  A wave of comfort and stability washed over me.  Robert Seagull has never lied to me.  He is with me and grounds me to American soil no matter where I am.  He was the voice of the familiar when we moved to North Carolina and everything was new and different.  He is the voice of the same.  His voice in his deep and even tone brought the absurd surreality of Washington politics to my reality.  Donald Trump is going to be the new president.  But Robert Seagull is still announcing the evening news.  It's going to be OK. For now.

I fell asleep Wednesday night praying that my white children would be protected from the backlash of a Trump victory and that the children of Hillary supporters would be protected from a Trump presidency.

Thursday I was still in a bubble of surreality as I continued to awe at people continuing with their lives, when I finally placed the feeling.  This is exactly how I felt when Greg and I broke up back in college.  I had taken for granted that I would marry him just as I assumed that Hillary would be the president.  I was disappointed, lost, confused, and most of all sick.

I have never felt so distant from my fellow Americans.  I assumed that a handful of crazies would vote for Trump but that the majority of logical people would vote for Hillary and I was wrong.  Americans and I do not have as many shared values as I thought.  My religion has long separated me from popular culture but I thought most Americans were inclusive, loving and kind.  But isolation, hate, and selfishness won.  Not to mention the fantasy dream of a Trump economy and healthcare plan.

And so now I'm angry.  Angry at everyone who did not vote for Hillary.  This is your fault.  People who voted for Trump.  People who did not vote at all.  And even people who voted for third party candidates.  And that includes Gary Johnson, who doesn't know what Aleppo is and wants to get rid of the Department of Commerce, Department of Education and the IRS.  I'm not sure exactly what the Department of Commerce and Education do, but neither does Gary Johnson.

Why is politics the only career where we want inexperienced people who don't know what they're doing in the job?  I'd take the surgeon with 10 years of experience over the one just out of medical school any day.  But not the politician.  Don't let the person with 30 years of experience do that job.  She might actually know what she's doing.  And if we really wanted a rich white guy to be the president, why couldn't we have elected Mitt Romney four years ago?  He's rich, he's white, but he's kind and has experience.  And I have a news flash for you: manufacturing is not coming back.  Coal production is bad for the environment.  ObamaCare has helped more people, including me, than it's hurt.  Trump is a failed business man.  He went bankrupt in the mid 90s.  You cannot run a country like you run a business.  Lives, human lives, are at stake, not just your share-holders capital.

I'm not saying that I support the protests.  I don't.  I accept Donald Trump as the new normal.  Because that's what Americans do.  Or at least what I thought Americans did, participate in the peaceful transfer of power, but then again, I don't think I'm much of an American and I definitely don't understand American values anymore.

Greg's been trying to comfort me this week.  Maybe Trump's ineptitude and the general dislike for him in Washington will force Congress to actually do something.  To retake power from the White House by actually passing laws and overriding Executive Orders.  Or maybe Trump will be the ultimate pragmatist.  He said whatever he had to say to get into office.  Maybe he'll just keep doing and saying what he has to say to maintain peace.

I hope we don't make American Great Again.  I hope we don't go back to a time where white men homogenized every other group and class of people.  I hope we maintain our freedom of speech and religion.  I hope Trump doesn't follow through on his campaign promise.  But most of all, I hope we make it through to the next election in one piece.

New Rule

After reading a few too many parenting books to try to figure out how to get Henry to stop hitting (he's getting better by the way), I decided that my kids watch entirely too much TV.  So I implemented a new rule: play outside for 1 hour, get 1/2 of TV on week days or 1 hour on weekends.   It was  a little painful at first.  The kids would just sit outside not knowing how to play outside, but now, a month later, they rarely watch TV.  Maybe once a week Rex will cash in his playtime but they get so distracted playing outside they don't have time to to watch TV any more.

And it's been really good.  Alice is no longer a vampire; she goes right to bed at night.  The house stays pretty clean.  Ok that was a lie.  But the kids do sleep better at night.  They fight less and play more.  There spirit in our home is better.  Not that the kids were watching bad shows but the lack of TV forces them to interact in more positive ways.  And I get to feel like a good mom because I can say, "We don't watch TV at our house" while looking down my nose at all the other moms.

I do miss it though.  I miss being able to plop the kids in front of the TV so I could shower or nap or mop the floor in peace.  Henry doesn't nap anymore even though he really needs to so our afternoons are no longer the quiet, peaceful, relaxing afternoons that I used to not kill my children and regain my zen for after school and dinner and bedtime.  Now it's just chaos all the time.  Especially Henry as he gets more and more tired through the afternoon.  Around 4, I usually can't handle the noise and mess and complaining anymore and send everybody outside, where they slowly make their way over to the Wheatley's and the trampoline.  Becky is such a good person.

Now I just need to figure out how to get Henry to nap again.  He is so much better behaved when he's not exhausted all the time.

Greg built the kids a deathtrap/fort/elevated platform to play on with I first decreed outside playtime.  They spend a lot of time on it.