Warning This Gets Political

America and I broke up this week.

I fell asleep on the couch Tuesday night watching election results come in and the chances of a Hillary victory slip away.  Greg woke me up at 11:30 and I moved to my bed.  I checked the electoral tally one more time and comforted myself by saying it was in God's hands.  And then I had the horrible realization that maybe it wasn't.  Maybe God has washed his hands of us and is letting us reap the benefits of our wickedness.  Trump is the epitome of moral-less, selfishness, shallow pride.  I fell asleep again praying that if nothing else Heavenly Father would protect my children from the hate slowly taking over the country.

Wednesday morning Rex missed the bus because we couldn't fathom a Trump win.  Walking to the car in the bright morning sun and driving to school felt strange and normal.  Nothing should fell normal anymore.  Some how the impossible had happened and Donald Trump, the one we had laughed at when he announced his candidacy, had beaten Hillary Clinton.  I think I was expecting bombs to start falling.  I joked to a friend that this was the first of the seven trumps before the Second Coming, but I don't know how much I was actually joking.

I was confused because life kept going.  People posted about their cute kids and their #ootd on Instagram as if our world hadn't just ended.  All I wanted to hear about was the election and yet every time I turned on the news I wanted to throw up.

Wednesday afternoon I sat in the driveway holding Zora and watching the kids of the Compound run around in the slanted fall sunlight as if nothing had changed.  But the pit in my stomach knew better.  I told Greg I felt like I did on 9/11.  That there was a before 9/11 and a now.  There was a before Trump and a now, but I don't know what that now looks like and what freedoms Trumps supporters have lost for me.

That night I turned on NPR and heard the voice of Robert Seagull affirm that Trump had won the election.  A wave of comfort and stability washed over me.  Robert Seagull has never lied to me.  He is with me and grounds me to American soil no matter where I am.  He was the voice of the familiar when we moved to North Carolina and everything was new and different.  He is the voice of the same.  His voice in his deep and even tone brought the absurd surreality of Washington politics to my reality.  Donald Trump is going to be the new president.  But Robert Seagull is still announcing the evening news.  It's going to be OK. For now.

I fell asleep Wednesday night praying that my white children would be protected from the backlash of a Trump victory and that the children of Hillary supporters would be protected from a Trump presidency.

Thursday I was still in a bubble of surreality as I continued to awe at people continuing with their lives, when I finally placed the feeling.  This is exactly how I felt when Greg and I broke up back in college.  I had taken for granted that I would marry him just as I assumed that Hillary would be the president.  I was disappointed, lost, confused, and most of all sick.

I have never felt so distant from my fellow Americans.  I assumed that a handful of crazies would vote for Trump but that the majority of logical people would vote for Hillary and I was wrong.  Americans and I do not have as many shared values as I thought.  My religion has long separated me from popular culture but I thought most Americans were inclusive, loving and kind.  But isolation, hate, and selfishness won.  Not to mention the fantasy dream of a Trump economy and healthcare plan.

And so now I'm angry.  Angry at everyone who did not vote for Hillary.  This is your fault.  People who voted for Trump.  People who did not vote at all.  And even people who voted for third party candidates.  And that includes Gary Johnson, who doesn't know what Aleppo is and wants to get rid of the Department of Commerce, Department of Education and the IRS.  I'm not sure exactly what the Department of Commerce and Education do, but neither does Gary Johnson.

Why is politics the only career where we want inexperienced people who don't know what they're doing in the job?  I'd take the surgeon with 10 years of experience over the one just out of medical school any day.  But not the politician.  Don't let the person with 30 years of experience do that job.  She might actually know what she's doing.  And if we really wanted a rich white guy to be the president, why couldn't we have elected Mitt Romney four years ago?  He's rich, he's white, but he's kind and has experience.  And I have a news flash for you: manufacturing is not coming back.  Coal production is bad for the environment.  ObamaCare has helped more people, including me, than it's hurt.  Trump is a failed business man.  He went bankrupt in the mid 90s.  You cannot run a country like you run a business.  Lives, human lives, are at stake, not just your share-holders capital.

I'm not saying that I support the protests.  I don't.  I accept Donald Trump as the new normal.  Because that's what Americans do.  Or at least what I thought Americans did, participate in the peaceful transfer of power, but then again, I don't think I'm much of an American and I definitely don't understand American values anymore.

Greg's been trying to comfort me this week.  Maybe Trump's ineptitude and the general dislike for him in Washington will force Congress to actually do something.  To retake power from the White House by actually passing laws and overriding Executive Orders.  Or maybe Trump will be the ultimate pragmatist.  He said whatever he had to say to get into office.  Maybe he'll just keep doing and saying what he has to say to maintain peace.

I hope we don't make American Great Again.  I hope we don't go back to a time where white men homogenized every other group and class of people.  I hope we maintain our freedom of speech and religion.  I hope Trump doesn't follow through on his campaign promise.  But most of all, I hope we make it through to the next election in one piece.