Wednesday

One of my most distinct memories is driving down Lincoln Avenue in Tracy in my dad's little Civic.  I was a senior and it had to have been the first half of the school year because I remember looking at the trees and noticing for the first time ever that the leaves had changed.  I didn't think they did that in California.  But apparently they do, or at least on Lincoln they did.  I had just finished a terrible year of school and was wanting to badly to graduate so I could leave Tracy and start all over.  But as I drove down Lincoln that day I saw something beautiful in Tracy and I just enjoyed the moment.  And then things changed for me.  They weren't better.  My life was still the same: I still had no friends and I still was ready to gradutate, but from that moment on I lived that year in moments and tried to enjoy each one.  Tender mercy.

I think about that moment a lot.  I even wrote an entire essay about it my first semester at BYU.   I think that's when my love affair with the fall started.  The air is so fresh and new after being boiled all summer; the new school year is starting; and the leaves (even in California) are changing colors.  Fall is more of a new start for me than spring is.  

Wednesday I was reminded once again of that drive in Tracy as I was driving home from the park here--yes, driving because I have to drive every where.  Rex had fallen asleep in the back seat and I was trying to be as quiet as possible so he would stay asleep.  I looked up and saw the trees.  They had changed colors.  And something clicked just like it way back in the day in Tracy.  North Carolina is pretty, and I can like living here and liking North Carolina doesn't take away from my love of Provo.  Provo is still an amazing place to live and I still have awesome friends there who I think about and miss every day and I still love my Provo house.  But it's also ok to like it here.  I can find new places here that are my places just like downtown Provo was my place in Provo.  I'm really starting to love Reedy Creek Park.  It's one of my favorite places I'd have to say.  But that doesn't mean that downtown Provo is any less awesome than it was when I lived there.  It just means I can love more than one thing--like my mom loves all of her children the same, hopefully.  And for the first time since we moved here, I didn't resent having to drive somewhere.  I actually enjoyed the drive and looking at the trees and the huge, mountain-less, blue, beautiful sky.

This is Rex's cheese face.

Rex and I rake leaves every Friday--one day I went in to check on Alice and came back and found him here--just chilling in a pile of leaves.  He's so funny.

Wednesday was also Alice's 4-week birthday.  And something clicked with her too.  Wednesday was the first time to put her little, fuzzy head up next to my face and really took in her little baby scent--the mixture between puke and shampoo--and really enjoyed it.  I didn't feel guilty or resentful of the time I had to take to feed her.  She became more than a little blob that has to be feed and changed.  She grew a little personality.  I let Rex do his own thing for a while while I enjoyed Alice.  I mean really enjoyed Alice.

Alice all wrapped up--I am often jealous of how cozy she looks.

I think Wednesday must have been the day that all the crazy pregnancy hormones finally washed out of my system.  I finally felt normal.  Like I had complete control of my life--well not complete, but more than the last few months.  Like I could do things besides sit on the couch and feed the baby and think about how great life will be when I move back to Provo, because let's get real, we're not moving back.  Wednesday, my life as it is, not as I wish it was, fell into place and I finally accepted that this is how things are and that it's ok and I can be happy with it and I just need to live in moments and enjoy those moments.

It's funny the weird things that changing leaves do to me.

10.24.11

Normally I don't like blog posts that are just a series of pictures because I want to know the story behind the pictures, but in this case there isn't much of a story.  On Monday night for family night, we carved our pumpkin.  And that's the story.  Rex drew on one side while Greg carved, and I nursed Alice and took pictures.  Pretty exciting, hardly worth noting other than that we got to spend time together as a family and I happen to think my kids are pretty adorable.  So here you go, a series of pictures with not much a of story.

Rex designing his pumpkin

scooping

being silly

watching Daddy do the actual carving

Alice chilled in her swing

The whole crew after

The New Normal

So in the last four weeks a few things have changed around here.  Imagine that.  Actually it's been more than the last four weeks--pretty much the last month and a half since we moved here.  Actually the last three months since we moved out of our Provo house things have changed.  Really?  Duh, we moved across the country and had a baby of course things changed.  Just not the things that I thought.

Like naps.  Rex stopped napping when we moved out of our house.  I thought I'd been able to get him back on schedule once we got settled here, but no. I knew the day would come; I just trying to hold it off a bit longer.   If I try to put him down for a nap--you know the whole read stories, drink a cup of milk, rock and lay down to sleep, he pees on the floor to get back on me.  So now we have a whole lot of this...

Rex fell asleep mid-playing

The kiddos feel asleep on our Sunday walk

Alice on the other hand, looks a lot like this...compared to Rex at four weeks, she's an angel.

Alice asleep in her swing in the bathroom--I can't hear her cry from the bedrooms.

Today was the first day I in nearly 10 months that I chose not to take a nap when I could have.  I'm proud of myself for making it through the day without one.  Of course, I did wake up at 8:44 this morning...baby steps.

Greg sleeps on the couch.  Between Alice grunting, and me turning on the lights to feed her, Greg decided it would be easier to just sleep on the couch.

And like baths.  Rex no longer takes baths.  He takes showers, which I actually quite prefer.  He will play in the shower for up to 45 minutes, and since I don't really have to worry about him drowning, I just sit on the couch and relax briefly.  And he showers pretty much every day, which means I get 45 minutes of sit on the couch every day.  It's lovely.  Rex doesn't so much wash himself or his hair, but since he's in there every day for a good long rinse, I figure that's good enough.

And Alice, she baths in the kitchen sink.  I don't like storing extra stuff like baby baths unless I really need to, and the sink works just fine for my needs.

Rex is my big helper...yes, helper

I am beginning to understand why showering is such a topic of conversation on a many-a-mommy blog--how many showers one mom got this week, who got to shave her legs, and how long so-and-so went without washing her hair.  Well, it just so happens that showers are pretty close to being my favorite thing in the world, so I still shower AND wash my hair every day.  I have, however, stopped shaving every day, which I did as an excuse to stay in the shower longer.  I'm not saying that Rex doesn't come in at least once during my shower to tell me to get out and play with him, and that Alice isn't often covered with shower water as I peek out to give her a pacifier,  but I do shower every day and I love it.  Did I mention that one of Rex's shower interruptions this week was to tell me I wasn't showering correctly--apparently you have to draw on the shower doors while in the shower.  Rex then joined me in the shower to demonstrate.  

Greg has had no change to his showering schedule.

Those are the normal things that are now a new normal at our house.

On being a mother of two

Rex and Alice @ less than a week old

It's been two and half weeks since I started on my new venture, but only one week on my own.  The first two weeks I was really only a mother of one--Grandma Pattie took charge of just about everything except feeding the baby.  And then this week, I was on my own.  And I survived.  And it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.  I did, however, send Greg and Rex to a ward picnic yesterday while Alice and I stayed home and slept and then repeated the same thing today during church.  But the important thing is that I survived.  And it could've been worse.

I find that as a mother of two, I am much less stressed than I was as a mother of one.  I still don't like Rex watching TV, but with little Alice eating every two to three hours and sometimes taking up to an hour to eat, I've decided that Rex and I can spend time just watching TV together while baby eats.  Sometimes we read books, but a lot of times we just watch TV.  I also don't worry so much about entertaining Rex every second of every day.  He does a pretty good job of entertaining himself, so I sneak off and clean a bathroom or mop a floor, or surprise, surprise feed the baby.  It's good for kids to learn how to entertain themselves, right?

I'm also less stressed about having a newborn.  With Rex, I was constantly stressed about feeding him.  I rushed all my errands so I could be home to feed the baby.  And Rex was only to eat every 3 hours.  Never more often than that.  With Alice things are...different.  In the past three weeks I have nursed: at the doctor's office, at the library, at the mall (in the playplace), in a park, and a lot just sitting on my couch.  And Alice gets to eat every two hours if she wants.  So much better than listening to her cry.  I have tried to stretch her to every three hours, but at night I just figure I'm going to be feeding the baby from about 8 until whenever I go to bed and don't plan to get anything else done.

Keeping my expectations low...

Rex, Alice and Dad on Alice's blessing day--Alice  a week and half.

Really low.  It's now three and half weeks.  That's right: this blog post has been staring me in the face, mocking me for a week.  I think about it the twenty times I have to fall back to sleep every night.

It's been an interesting week.  Alice has a good day followed by a bad day; Rex is mostly good but in general goes to bed after 11--which makes for lots of sleeping in to the late hour of 9 am.  Sweet.

Like I said, I've had a lot of time to think about this blog post every night as I feed Alice.  Mostly I think about the three things I've been feeling lately.

1. Disconnected.  I felt the same way when Rex was born so I know the feeling will pass, but, for now, it's a little disconcerting.  I recently heard that Steve Jobs only dealt with six people.  I was dealing with only two--Greg and Rex and I had my time divided so that that every one got the attention they needed.  Rex had me all day; Greg had me all night; and I had Rex's nap to myself.  And now, I have three people I have to deal with and I don't feel like anyone is getting what they need.  I just feel so distant from everyone.

Which leads to feeling number 2--Guilt.  Lots and lots of guilt.  Guilt that I'm not giving everyone the attention they need.  When I'm feeding Alice, I think I should be enjoying this time with my little baby, but then I also watch Rex playing by himself and feel bad that he's playing by himself, so then when I'm done feeding Alice I put her down to play with Rex, but then I feel bad that I'm not just staring into her funny little face (she makes a lot of funny, disapproving faces) and enjoying her.  And by the time Greg gets home, well I'm just done for the day and I all want to do is watch TV so then I feel bad that I'm too tired to talk about anything other than poop and puke.  And then I pretty much just ditch the kids on him while I attempt to do a few dishes and that's after he spent all day at work...

Which leads to feeling number 3--tired.  I'm just tired, and dehydrated.

Rex and Alice--Alice almost 4 weeks

But who would expect anything different?  Isn't this the way things are supposed to be with a new baby?