Wednesday

One of my most distinct memories is driving down Lincoln Avenue in Tracy in my dad's little Civic.  I was a senior and it had to have been the first half of the school year because I remember looking at the trees and noticing for the first time ever that the leaves had changed.  I didn't think they did that in California.  But apparently they do, or at least on Lincoln they did.  I had just finished a terrible year of school and was wanting to badly to graduate so I could leave Tracy and start all over.  But as I drove down Lincoln that day I saw something beautiful in Tracy and I just enjoyed the moment.  And then things changed for me.  They weren't better.  My life was still the same: I still had no friends and I still was ready to gradutate, but from that moment on I lived that year in moments and tried to enjoy each one.  Tender mercy.

I think about that moment a lot.  I even wrote an entire essay about it my first semester at BYU.   I think that's when my love affair with the fall started.  The air is so fresh and new after being boiled all summer; the new school year is starting; and the leaves (even in California) are changing colors.  Fall is more of a new start for me than spring is.  

Wednesday I was reminded once again of that drive in Tracy as I was driving home from the park here--yes, driving because I have to drive every where.  Rex had fallen asleep in the back seat and I was trying to be as quiet as possible so he would stay asleep.  I looked up and saw the trees.  They had changed colors.  And something clicked just like it way back in the day in Tracy.  North Carolina is pretty, and I can like living here and liking North Carolina doesn't take away from my love of Provo.  Provo is still an amazing place to live and I still have awesome friends there who I think about and miss every day and I still love my Provo house.  But it's also ok to like it here.  I can find new places here that are my places just like downtown Provo was my place in Provo.  I'm really starting to love Reedy Creek Park.  It's one of my favorite places I'd have to say.  But that doesn't mean that downtown Provo is any less awesome than it was when I lived there.  It just means I can love more than one thing--like my mom loves all of her children the same, hopefully.  And for the first time since we moved here, I didn't resent having to drive somewhere.  I actually enjoyed the drive and looking at the trees and the huge, mountain-less, blue, beautiful sky.

This is Rex's cheese face.

Rex and I rake leaves every Friday--one day I went in to check on Alice and came back and found him here--just chilling in a pile of leaves.  He's so funny.

Wednesday was also Alice's 4-week birthday.  And something clicked with her too.  Wednesday was the first time to put her little, fuzzy head up next to my face and really took in her little baby scent--the mixture between puke and shampoo--and really enjoyed it.  I didn't feel guilty or resentful of the time I had to take to feed her.  She became more than a little blob that has to be feed and changed.  She grew a little personality.  I let Rex do his own thing for a while while I enjoyed Alice.  I mean really enjoyed Alice.

Alice all wrapped up--I am often jealous of how cozy she looks.

I think Wednesday must have been the day that all the crazy pregnancy hormones finally washed out of my system.  I finally felt normal.  Like I had complete control of my life--well not complete, but more than the last few months.  Like I could do things besides sit on the couch and feed the baby and think about how great life will be when I move back to Provo, because let's get real, we're not moving back.  Wednesday, my life as it is, not as I wish it was, fell into place and I finally accepted that this is how things are and that it's ok and I can be happy with it and I just need to live in moments and enjoy those moments.

It's funny the weird things that changing leaves do to me.