This post is not about his wedding--it was lovely and I'm very happy for them--this post is about something that happened at the wedding. I met up with some middle school friends. Turns out (I actually already knew this) they are my new sister-in-laws close friends from high school. I had a good time catching up with them, but now I'm not so sure how I feel about my life. I like it. I wouldn't change it. But...
Let's put it this way. Friend number one: Stephanie Smith. Got her undergraduate from Yale, continued at Yale to get an MPH, worked for a bit in New York before deciding to go to Stanford Medical School. She is currently in her third year and did not look nearly as tired or stressed as I thought a third year medical school student at Stanford should be.
Friend number two: Monica Teves. Monica just got married and is working on her Masters in...I'm not sure but she's going to be a councilor.
Then there's me. I graduated number two in my high school class; Suma Cum Lade from BYU with a 3.98 GPA. And it all went downhill from there. I was a medicore school teacher for two years, and am now married with two children living in my in-laws house--though I do actually own a home in Provo.
I'm not sure how I feel about this. I honestly wouldn't change a thing about my life---well maybe I'd move back to Provo. At first, I was super excited to have seen my friends from long ago. I forgot how much I liked them and why middle school was pretty much the best three years of my life--that is until I got a real life when I went to college. But then we came home. I was exhausted from the trip and just wanted to sleep but Alice and Rex would have none of that. And then I saw the pictures of me at the wedding. Gross beyond gross. I have no eyes, my hair is laying in weird semi-curls and my narrow little waist that I was so proud of is gone. I looked old. And even worse, I looked like a mom. I went to bed and cried. Why was I so old and gross looking? It was my stupid kids and stupid husbands fault. If I were still single, I could party it up every night and have to keep up on fashion and such so I could get a date. But being in the secure and loving relationship that I am, I can look gross and old and fat and Greg still loves me. And then the next day I broke down again. Why is my life so uncool? My high school self had so much going for her--scholarships, grades, looks (I used to be cute) and then I got married and had kids and now look at me. I'm reading the Hunger Games. The last academic book I read was written by a journalist so that hardly counts. And then Greg came home from work and I told him some of the reasons why my life sucks and he fixed it. And I feel better.
It's weird hopping around social circles. In the Mormon world, I feel pretty cool. I still fit in my pre-pregnancy jeans and I'm a rock star because I had Alice on the bathroom floor and I cloth diaper. And all my friends look like gross Mormon moms too--actually they're all pretty cute but not too over-the-top-stylish that I don't fit in. I'm pretty normal in the Mormon world.
But then, every time Dustin gets married and I'm forced to reconnect with what could have been me had I not met Greg, I just feel weird. Like in a way I've given up on my potential--I could've been so much and now I'm JUST a mom.
But I'm not just a mom. I'm a pretty good mom. My house, even though it's enormous, is generally clean; my children are generally clean and well-mannered; dinner is on the table by 6:30 every night; I update my Mormon mommy blog with some consistency; and I play with my kids every day. I'm pretty good at what I do and I like it and I feel good about what I do knowing that I am making a positive contribution to the world one poopy cloth diaper at a time.
Anyway, I don't have any grand conclusion or anything that I've come to...just a little tug between what I know to be the right thing (being a mom) and well...what the world wants me to be. It's a weird place I'm in. Just know that I am happy. I love being a mom. It's challenging in a way that school and the academic world is not. I love being married. I'm a crazy person when I'm away from Greg too long--like even if he has to work late I start losing my grip on reality. It's just weird. Something all fulltime moms have to deal with I guess.
Amen. Although I think you are being rather hard on your self. You are so cute in that picture and very hip! and for crying out loud you just had a baby and on the bathroom floor...you said it yourself!!! but we all have our moments, so I will let you have yours.
ReplyDeleteEvan may need a letter of recommendation written so I'll LET you do that if it will make you feel better?
ReplyDeleteI have felt these very feelings. Here's how I've made peace with it: Right now, I'm exactly where I need to be. There will come a time when the children grow up and move on. I'll have 15-20 years that I can pursue any avenue of education and career that I want, and be able to do what I want to do. That makes me happy. Seriously, this is why I'm done having kids at 30! I've already even found the program I want and talked to the dean a few times (seeing if they offer part time options, but they don't so I'm just going patiently wait). I really think we can have it all, just not necessarily at the same time...
ReplyDeleteI too have had similar thoughts. But I bet you that your friends went home and cried because they don't have the life YOU have! And I hated it when moms told me this, but it does get better the older the kids get! It isn't all about the poopy diapers and mind-numbing conversations with a two-year-old any more. You are an awesome mommy and wife--keep it up!
ReplyDeleteHeather, you are a great mom and a great person. And I wish I could be as fashionable as you; and as organized; and as neat. You are someone I look up to. The world tries to tear us down with subliminal messages (and some outright propaganda). Constantly hold on to the iron rod and ignore those pointing fingers in the great and spacious building. You are doing a great work.
ReplyDeleteI think you look very cute AND fashionable in that pic. Plus you got the nursing boobs going for you...so take that high school friends with no kids and fancy degrees!
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